Lavender Loren

On July 30th my husband (Jeff) and I took the girls home, we were so tired. We had help the first couple of weeks from my Sister-in-law Shelley; it was such a blessing to have her. Despite all of Shelley’s help, those first few weeks are still a blur. We always dressed Loren in lavender/purple and Katie in pink.... it was the only way we could initially tell them apart. As time passed the girls developed their own personalities. Katie was loud and slept a lot, while Loren was quite and would only take catnaps. Loren would make quite noises all day long, whether she was awake or sleeping. Katie would sprawl out in the crib, while Loren would sleep very lady like and would tuck her thumbs under her index fingers. With all this personality we would still dress Loren in Lavender so that friends and family could easily distinguish the girls apart.

A couple of months after their birth, I needed to go back to work. We had recently bought a house and we were also finding that kids cost money. It was hard leaving the girls, but we found a great sitter (Leslie) only few doors away. She was so good with the girls. We looked forward to picking up the girl after work each day. They were always so happy and content at Leslie's. The best part was that the girls were finally sleeping through the night and we were coming out of the sleepless blur and truly enjoying them.

On Monday, October 23rd, 2000 we were at work and the girls were at Leslie's. I deliver mail for the U.S. Post Office. That particular day it was raining. I felt like I couldn't finish my route fast enough. I finally finished and arrived at Leslie's at 3 p.m. When I walked in the door, Katie was fussing. Leslie said Katie had been fussy and had not eaten since she had laid them down for there nap. She handed me Katie. I remember talking to Katie and kissing her. She slowly began drinking from the bottle. Leslie went to get Loren in her port-a-crib were she was sleeping. I remember as if it was yesterday, how Leslie came into the hall with Loren in her arms saying, "something is wrong with Loren". Loren was cold and blue. We were screaming and crying. Leslie's daughter called 911. I basically threw Katie on the couch. Leslie handed me Loren. I couldn't believe what I saw. I then gave Loren back to Leslie. I ran out the door in the rain screaming. I ran to my grandma's house a few doors down. I started banging on her door screaming, crying, saying, "Loren is dead, Loren is dead". As I was running back to Leslie's I dropped down on my knees in the middle of the road in the rain screaming and crying more. Our neighbor (Jose) and my Grandma picked me up. We ran to Leslie's. When I went inside Leslie was doing CPR. I did CPR for a few seconds, but I really didn't know what I was doing. The medical unit arrived; the men grabbed my baby and ran her to the ambulance. The whole ride to the hospital I prayed and prayed to God asking him not to let her die. I could see half of her body from where I was sitting in the ambulance. Her hands were closed with her thumb tucked under her finger. I kept saying "Loren, just open your hand for Mama". She never did. When we arrived at the hospital they took her into the Emergency Room and took me to a small room off to the side. I was yelling at the staff because they wouldn't let me go by Loren. The doctor came in the room shortly saying that they tried everything. I think I lost it. I remember acting like a mad crazy woman. When they finally calmed me down, they told me that they had gotten a hold of Jeff. I called my parents and my Dad was there in just a few minutes. It was so comforting to have him with me until Jeff arrived. When Jeff arrived, I cried out to him "Loren is dead". He went into shock. I thought someone had told him before he had come into the room. I was wrong. He broke down. After we calmed down a bit they took us in the room where Loren lied on a bed. She looked so small. She looked like she was sleeping. She looked so peaceful. We held her in our arms and rocked her. All our family began showing up to see Loren for the last time. When my Mom arrived she fainted from the shock of seeing Loren. They put her in a wheel chair. We didn't see my Mom faint because we were in another room getting questioned by the police. When I walked in the room and saw my Mom in the wheelchair holding my Loren I realized I wasn't going to wake up from this nightmare. Our pastor and his wife came immediately when they were notified. We can honestly say our faith went out the door that evening. I had gone from praying to God to cursing him. Had our pastor and wife not have come that evening I don't know where Jeff and I would be today. God really worked through the pastor that day. He reassured us that she was in a better place. I am so thankful that our family is still together and closer than ever. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think about Loren, but we can say that God has given us peace in dealing with the loss. Leslie has also found peace. She has been a sitter for 20+ years. She's both wonderful and kind. She's continued doing what she loves and what she does best. She is sitting for kids again. She is watching our daughter Katie. We are now expecting another child in September. We just want all parents who have lost their child to SIDS to know that you're not alone. When the pain and emptiness gets so intense and you don't think you can get through another day...you can. God has given Jeff and I a kind of peace about losing Loren. God can give you the peace that you may need. To feel peace in our hearts about a loss so painful, tragic, and seemingly cruel is nothing less than a miracle.

-Jeff and Rose Cordes

We would like to dedicate our story to all the bereaved parents and also to nurse Marge at Thunderbird Samaritan. She was at the hospital when we arrived. She was such a loving, compassionate woman. She didn't know us until that tragic night. She was by our side through the initial crisis. Late in the evening her shift ended and she had to leave. We were still in shock from losing our baby when she gave my husband an angel holding a child's hand looking up to heaven. It wasn't until much later, when our paths would cross again, that we found out that Marge had bought the angel at a gift shop months prior to that tragic night. She told us that it had been sitting in her locker for about three months. When she saw us that night at the hospital she knew we were meant to have the figurine. That angel is perhaps the most treasured object my husband and I own. When I see that object I feel hope, love, and somehow a peace in knowing that our paths crossing with Marge was not just a random coincidence.