The Towel

In the entire world, there is no greater love than that of a parent for their child. Ask any parent what could be the "single worst" thing to happen and without exception, they will tell you that NOTHING could be worse than "losing a child".

For some parents, this is not just a horrible nightmare to only be imagined; it is "reality". They are denied the opportunity to watch their child (or children) live a "full life". It is a burden they must carry throughout the remaining days of their lives.

After the death of a child, some parents become "reclusive and bitter". Other parents' outward appearance may suggest that they are "dealing better" with their loss. In either case, just as a "river" may appear turbulent or placid, there is always a constant "undercurrent". For these parents, their "undercurrent" is the constant "loss" and "emptiness" in their lives.

The parents who "bury a child (or children)" are a select "group".

The death of our youngest daughter, Alesia Dawn, has now forced my wife, Marsha, and me to join a group that "no parent" wants to be a part.

In the minutes, hours, days, weeks and months since Alesia Dawn's death, everything we think, say or do is "tainted" by our loss. There is such a feeling of "hopelessness" and "emptiness" that words can't describe.

Each day, I look for anything that will bring some form of "comfort", anything that might convey to me that life is "worth living" and that there is ANYONE who cares about or remembers Alesia Dawn.

On Friday night, September 17, 1999, an "event" happened in our lives that "renewed" our belief that there is "goodness" left in the world and that someone DOES care. This "event" has given us "hope", made us "smile", brought us "tears" but most of all "honored the memory of our precious Alesia Dawn".

Here is how it all transpired.

Valentine's day, 1998, Alesia Dawn, Marsha, our oldest daughter Kristie, me and three others went to see Collin Raye in concert in Kansas City.

We are BIG Collin Raye fans and were thrilled to have seats in the second row.

The concert was wonderful. Collin Raye's music speaks right to "your heart" and he is a "delightful entertainer".

Toward the end of the concert, Collin Raye threw some towels into the audience. I was fortunate to catch one of them. I looked down the row of chairs and Alesia Dawn had her hands outstretched asking for the towel. I handed it down to her.

Alesia Dawn grasp the towel and smiled as if she had just been given a million dollars. She carried the towel to the van after the concert and put it on the dresser in her bedroom when we got home that evening.

It had been a special evening and the towel was something "tangible" for us to have to remember it by. In our worst nightmares, we could have never have dreamed how our lives would change five months from this night.

Alesia Dawn was 13 years old at the time and would turn 14 in April.

Alesia Dawn finished out her eighth grade year that spring and was named to the freshman cheerleading squad for the '98-'99 school year. She was thrilled. The anticipation of her high school years was almost more than Alesia Dawn could handle.

On July 15, 1998, around 10:00 in the evening, Kristie stepped into Alesia Dawn's bedroom to take her picture.

Alesia Dawn was lying on her bed, not breathing. Kristie screamed for help.

We called 911. The EMT's worked with Alesia Dawn and transported her to the nearest hospital. She was pronounced dead within an hour of arriving at the hospital.

We buried Alesia Dawn on July 19th.

For the next five months, Alesia Dawn's room remained just as it was the night she died. A stethoscope lay on the floor as a reminder of what had taken place. We kept her bedroom door shut.

During the week between Christmas and New Year's Day, I decided to "clean up" Alesia Dawn's bedroom. To say the least, that was a difficult task.

Every article of clothing I folded and "boxed up" reminded me of a specific time in Alesia Dawn's life. Every trinket I touched, triggered a memory. I cried a lot of tears that day. I came upon the towel I had caught at the Collin Raye concert. To anyone else, it was just a white towel, but to me it was a memory to be cherished. I held it in my hand and remembered that night. I folded it neatly and put it in Alesia Dawn's closet.

Alesia Dawn's room is no longer a memory of the night she died, it is now a reminder of the "life she lived". The door is now "always" open.

This past Valentine's day, I reflected on the Collin Raye concert and thought how nice it would be to have him sign "the towel". I knew the likelihood of getting it signed was remote, but to have it "personalized" would help preserve a special moment in our lives. In July, I found out Collin Raye was going to have a concert in Kansas City on Friday, September 17. I immediately thought about "the towel".

For about a six-week period, I made attempts to contact someone who might be able to help me in my efforts to get "the towel" signed. Up until the day of the concert, I hadn't heard anything and presumed that my efforts had failed.

Finally, at noon, on the day of the concert, I received an E-mail at work from Laura Putty at Sony music saying that Collin Raye would "love to meet with us and sign our towel". Backstage passes would be available for us at the Will Call window. She also expressed her condolences for "our loss".

Surely, Alesia Dawn was looking out for me at that moment.

When I got home that afternoon, I shared the good news with Marsha, Kristie and the others going to the concert with us. Needless to say, we were very grateful. This would be a "sad" night without Alesia Dawn, but we knew we would carry her memory with us and now Collin Raye would help make that memory even more special.

I made Collin Raye a plate of Rice Krispie Treats. I covered the treats in plastic and taped a wallet size photograph of Alesia Dawn and a Kindness Card on top.

The "Kindness Cards" are the size of business cards and say: This Random Act of Kindness done in Loving Memory of our Beautiful Child, Alesia Dawn Carder

The concert was scheduled to begin at 8:00.

We arrived at about 7:20. I went to the Will Call window and they gave me backstage passes for Marsha, Kristie and me. They told me to go the left edge to the stage and someone would be there to let us in at 7:30.

7:30 came and went. Around 7:40, someone came out and told us to go out of the auditorium and wait by some double doors next to the main entrance. There were several individuals with passes on, but only 5 others with passes like we had.

They took the whole group inside the double doors. There were probably about 40 of us. Some guy named John, I think he is Collin Raye's tour manager, told the group, "Because of the time, Collin will not have time to sign autographs. We will only be able to take a quick picture and have you say 'hi' to him".

As I stood there holding the Rice Krispie Treats and "the towel", my heart sank. The reason for me being there was to have the towel signed. I got John's attention to tell him. I said, "But John, I......". He didn't even let me finish. He said, "Don't worry. I know why you're here. I want you three (Kristie, Marsha & me) to go in next to last". I was so relieved.

Around 8:00, the three of us were introduced to Collin in a small "waiting area". He already knew our situation. He was SO KIND. Just as I imagined he would be.

I gave him the Rice Krispie Treats and told him "I know it's not Carrot Cake". He smiled and said, "This is even better".

He wanted to know all about Alesia Dawn. It was very emotional, but there was such a "spirit" of concern in every word he spoke that told me how genuine his concern was.

I told him all about the towel. He signed it: To Alesia Dawn. You have a sweet family. We'll all see you soon. Collin Raye.

He told us that some people are "just too perfect for this earth".

He also took the time to sign all three of our backstage passes. By this time it was about 8:15. I told him I knew we were making him late for the concert. He said, "That's okay. They can't start without me".

He hugged each of us and we left to go to the auditorium.

With the backstage passes, were 3 tickets for the third row. Obviously, we didn't need the tickets. I approached a woman waiting outside the main entrance. I asked her if she had tickets to the show. She said yes. I asked her where she was sitting and she dejectedly said, "way in the back". I said, "I have tickets for the 3rd row" and handed them to her. She said, "You're just GIVING them to me". I said, "Yes, but there is one other thing". I handed her a Kindness Card and walked away.

About 8:30, Collin Raye finally came out on the stage. I'm sure everyone in the auditorium wondered why he was late, but I full well knew.

He began to play his guitar and much to our surprise, he had attached Alesia Dawn's picture to the head of his guitar. What a gesture!! He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. He just played and moved the guitar so everyone in the front of the auditorium got a good look at the picture. In the 14 months since Alesia Dawn died, nothing has touched me liked this gesture did.

About halfway into his concert, he sang, "What if Jesus comes back like that". It is a very moving and thought provoking song. When he finished, he said, "Normally we go to another song at this point in the show, but earlier tonight I spoke with a family that suffered a great tragedy about a year ago. I want to dedicate the next song to Alesia".

That song was "Love Remains". Needless to say, it is a beautiful song and now has even more significance for me than it did before. When he finished singing, he pointed upward and said, "For Alesia".

Collin came out for his encore and sang "Love Me". When he finished, he thanked everyone for coming. Everyone stood and applauded.

I cannot put into words how positively the events of that night affected my life.

It was a privilege for us to meet Collin Raye that night. Most importantly, the evening was ALL about Collin Raye honoring Alesia Dawn's memory. Man, did he ever do that!!