by Shari Green
Hello baby angel…I think of you every minute and pray to God that He is holding you in His arms. I know that He is…because that is the only way I have been able to bear each day…each treacherous day since your death. I remember everything so vividly. I play it over and over in my mind.
---My water broke while in the hospital …your Daddy by my side. We looked down to see the bed covered in blood. Your Daddy screamed for the nurse. While your family stood watching, they tried to find your heartbeat…but it was gone. As your heartbeat slowly stopped, your wings opened up and you flew to heaven to be with God. I would have felt peace in seeing your beautiful flight with my own eyes. Instead, 20 doctors and nurses rushed me to the operating room, yelling “911.” Feeling the depths of fear, your Daddy rushed to the chapel to pray. The anesthesiologist drilled me with questions, “How much do you weigh…your height?” I replied, “I don’t care…just cut me open.” But it was too late, for the angel chorus was calling your name…RyLeigh Dennae Green. As the littlest angel, you took your place in heaven and left your family to grieve---
What a difficult task we have been left to do! Grieving is such a painful process…but I have learned the best way for me to face it is head on. I cry when I want…yell and scream when I want…and talk about it when I want. Through it all, I never deny myself my true feelings. These feelings are mine and I have a right to feel them. So many people love and miss you, RyLeigh. You have blessed so many with the passing whisper of your innocence, but great wisdom. What a wonderful gift you have been given and been able to pass on. I know that I am a better person because I have known you, if only for a little while. And because of you, I know that I must push forward and make this world a better place in which to live. You have blessed me with a calling and I must never let your death be in vain. You have awakened my soul to a new understanding of the need in this world…that is why I started volunteering at the Crisis Nursery in October.
It is such a beautiful place! I see your innocent face in all those precious children. They have so much love to give and that’s all that they want in return. I vividly remember my first visit. As the volunteer coordinator led me outside to the playground, a feeling of fear rushed over me. “What if they all look like you?” I prayed to God that He would give me the strength to endure this adventure. As we entered the playground, two little girls ran up to me and grabbed each leg. Each of them looked up at me with their big brown eyes and held on to my legs for dear life…or for dear love. I gave each one a hug and took them and two boys to the swing set to swing. I pushed all four of them on the swings for quite a while. Then all of the children were gathered outside for a snack. One of the caregivers brought out a baby in a stroller, while the toddlers ate their bananas. Cautiously, I dared to take a peek…a tiny baby boy with big brown eyes. I began to push the baby back and forth in his stroller. He cooed and smiled real big, loving the attention. One of the caregivers asked if I wanted to give him a bottle. Agreeing, I took him inside and fed and rocked him. I was in for a shock when I looked up on the board to find his name and age. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I processed his birthdate…July 15, 1998…the same day you went to be with God. That to me was a sign! Oh how I see it so clearly!
On that morning in early October, God was helping me to realize that you, my dear RyLeigh, are doing just fine. On the other hand, the boy your same age that I held in my arms was not. He needed my love and nurturing. And I knew since I wasn’t able to give love to you in the ways I had dreamed about --- your first birthday, first day of school, first dance recital, graduation, and your wedding day --- I knew that I was supposed to be at this shelter, giving love and nurture to this little boy and all of those that need me. God gave you wings, little angel, and you passed them to me and to those who knew you. I thank you for teaching me so much, especially unconditional love. You have moved my soul to dance and I will celebrate your life and your heavenly flight in everything I do.
Love,
Mommy
Editor’s Note: Shari and Jeremy Green are the parents of RyLeigh Green, who was stillborn July 16, 1998 due to Vasa Previa. Vasa Previa is a condition in where the umbilical cord inserts at a distance from the placenta, and its blood vessels must travel relatively unprotected in the fetal membranes, crossing the cervix, to reach the placenta. This velamentous insertion of the umbilical cord occurs in approx. 1 in 7000 pregnancies.
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