Handling the Holidays

The absence of our beloved child during the Holiday season can be an overwhelming stressor for grieving families. Can I survive this? Is what I am feeling normal? Should I ignore the holidays this year? I’d like to share some general guidelines that have helped me to handle the pain of my baby’s death during the holidays.

1. Be prepared for the likelihood of pain. I did not discredit that surely it will be a painful time. Of course, I am grateful for what I still have, and yet I acknowledge that I will be overwhelmed by what I have lost. By preparing myself, I do not set up unattainable expectations of myself and my behavior. I also recognized that I will likely have enjoyable moments and I should not feel guilty about that.
   
   
2. Prepare for the potential insensitivity of others. Well meaning loved ones that do not want to see us in pain may try to hurry us through grief. Some may insist on continually “cheering you up.” Others may give you advice on what you should and shouldn’t do or even how you should and shouldn’t feel. I found it best to ignore all the well-meaning words of advice and claim my own feelings. No one else can understand how deep this pain really is, unless they are bereaved parents. Emotions you may struggle with on special days, and any other day:
   
   • Sadness & Depression- The loss is overwhelming and you may find yourself reflecting on the way things should have been if your child were here.
   • Anxiety & Stress- You may feel uncertain about frequent outbursts of emotions (even in the grocery store) and it may frighten and surprise you.
   • Anger- You may feel angry at everyone and everything! You do not have your baby, but a neighbor or a family member has their child. You may be short on patience. And be aware it won’t take much to provoke you during these periods.
   • Guilt- The “would’ve, should’ve, could’ve” and “if only” thoughts are agonizing. Even when I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent my baby’s death, the guilt still hung over me as a black cloud.
   • Apathy- There are times, years after your child’s death, that you may have almost no feelings at all. You may have periods where you don’t feel like you care about anything, often similar to the feeling several weeks into your grief. Numbness, confusion and disorientation are all ingredients of apathy.
   Allowing yourself permission to claim your own feelings will lead to healing, reconciliation and the rediscovery of yourself.
   
   
3. Take care of yourself and the memory of your deceased child. I felt so out of control at times. But there were ways I knew I could regain control of my life and memorialize the life of my child (It would be best not to make drastic changes early in grief). Generally, most of the traditions our family had before our daughter died, stayed with us. But this was a great opportunity for me to turn my pain into something positive. New rituals became part of our tradition. Here are some empowering options for families wanting to include their child in continuing holiday or special occasion celebrations:
   
   • Celebrate the memory of your child by decorating his or her grave. We purchase season sensitive decorations such as a small Christmas tree and our other children helped to decorate it. We buy special balloons and stuffed toys and even write notes, cards and pictures to leave at the cemetery. It is emotional therapy which can help the family to heal, remember and love together.
   • Sign up at a local mall to partake in a Christmas Angel Program. We like to find a girl who is the same age that our baby should have been that year. We take the time to pick the toy that is requested and an extra one that we think our child would have enjoyed.
   • Volunteer at a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen for the holiday. Some crisis nurseries need volunteers to assist in caring for newborns that are ill. If you are comfortable and want to, you can wear a button with your child’s picture on it. If someone asks, tell them about your child, and that you volunteer in memory of your child. It is a beautiful tribute to your child’s life.
   • Donate the amount of money you would have spent on Birthdays o Christmas for your child to your favorite nonprofit organization, in memory of your baby.
   • Remember your child in Christmas cards, if you want. Every year since our daughter’s death, we send out Christmas cards memorializing her. I refuse to let people forget her! Pamper yourself! Take walks or hikes, treat yourself to a special day at a spa, go on a family “date”. Taking time for yourself during stressful periods in grief is critical to alleviate some of the pressure on yourself and your partner.

Joanne Cacciatore is the director of the Arizona SIDS Alliance and founder of Mothers In Sympathy & Support (MISS). This article is a reprint from her book “Dear Cheyenne“ (copies available through the Alliance). This article also appeared in the December 1997 issue of the SIDS Scoop.